Edit

"I dream of rejecting all the apologies I know will never come."

- Submitted to Post Secret (and read by me before I knew what it truly meant)

From Black Sand Journal

I'm rewriting the post I published yesterday because I didn't think it clearly conveyed what New York City means to me or what New York City gives me that nothing else has.

If I've called anywhere "home" in the past it was predominantly for a select group of individuals who lived there at the time rather than the place itself. I stopped referring to Sri Lanka as home as soon as I started living there, and I have to admit with most of my friends now at English universities Vienna feels much less like home than it did when I first moved away.

Intimacy is awkwardly entangled with disappointment - people and places lose their shine with the wear and tear of daily interaction. The epigraph to this post has applied all too often to me in in the past. I've struggled with people who haven't met my expectations. Either they have to start trying harder or I have to set the bar lower - I obviously only have the power to influence the latter option.

I've been guilty of trying to extend beautiful moments beyond their expiration date. I've tried to recreate memories that I reminisce about by simply putting the same people in the same place, but the whole situation only ends up feeling artificial - an imitation that is an insult to the original.

So, how does New York City defy my previous experience with places I've lived? Yes, much of my love for the City is inspired by people, but not necessarily just the ones I know. I think New York feels like home for all the people I have the potential to love as much as it does for all the people I do already. The streets are flooded with hope and opportunity. An argument with one friend, one relation, one lover just doesn't pack the same punch it did before. If 2008 taught me anything it is that I want to dedicate my life to people, but I don't have the strength to devote myself to a person (yet). Now when things go up in flames, I feel more phoenix than forlorn.